I’m Not a Good Person

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By: Shea Harris

Now for those of y’all who know me, I’m pretty sure you’re rolling your eyes. I promise there’s a reason behind all of this. It makes sense…well it makes sense to me. I don’t really know where this is coming from to be honest. It might be because so many people have made sacrifices for me and I haven’t made sacrifices for them. I think about the thoughtful things people do for me, then look back at what I’ve done. It doesn’t even compare. It may have something to do with me not really knowing my love language. Everyone else’s shouts loud and clear while mine is silent and not present (at least not at this moment).

I Think I’m Too Selfish

Sometimes I talk to people just to vent or share things about my life. I’ve tried to change up my habits lately and actually listen to people and make sure I’m interested in what’s going on in their lives. I don’t always go and visit people, they usually come and see me. I’ve been feeling super guilty since my birthday to be honest. My best friend and really good friend really outdid themselves for my 25th birthday. My best friend flew to Miami from New Jersey for the big 2-5 and spent the entire birthday weekend with me. I haven’t even been to Jersey to visit her yet.

Even thinking back on it now, I don’t even know what I did to have such amazing friends as the ones I have in my life. The fact that people have gone out there way to make me enjoy my special day just brings in all the feels. I’ve literally say to my friends: Thank you for fooling with me. I know I’m raggedy and a hot mess. I feel like I’ve taken on this guilty complex to mold me into a better person. I feel like if I were to sit back and let people do for me, I’d just be taking advantage of them.

I Don’t Think I Make Time For People

Spending time with people isn’t a problem. I think the problem is who I spend time with. I’m such a social butterfly that sometimes I have to postpone meet ups in order to reunite with other folks. I don’t even know when I’m going back to North Carolina because I’m determined to make 2017 my year of travel. I want to visit my friends in other states I’ve never been to. I honestly don’t think I’m heading back to the Carolinas until Thanksgiving of this year. Although my parents aren’t upset about me coming to visit, I can’t help but feel guilty.

What kind of daughter doesn’t go back home to visit her family? What kind of daughter puts her family on the back burner just to go to other places and visit friends. I know I’m probably overreacting, but these thoughts have ran through my mind. It all comes to the main factor of love. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough love to pass around or that people won’t understand the type of love I give. The feeling of being forgotten has to be a terrible one and I don’t want anyone to feel that way.

At the end of the day, I have to let go of the guilt that has been running my little mind. I have to be confident in the fact that the people in my life know that I love and cherish them deeply. Have you all ever felt this way? Let me know in the comments.

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3 thoughts on “I’m Not a Good Person

  1. To my kind sweet daughter Shea. I’m not going to make this long. You do not need to feel this way. We are super PROUD of you and want you to travel to places that you haven’t before. North Carolina you know go, do ,enjoy life especially while you can. This is your time you earned it so do you! We know how to get to Florida. Love, Mom

    Liked by 2 people

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