Over the past few years I’ve been told that I was strong, independent and positive. I honestly believe it was no one but the Lord holding me up and keeping me together. As I take a walk down memory lane, I can remember the moments when I felt the most pain.
I remember how it felt during those heartbreaks. I remember crying myself to sleep and wondering when I would manage to find strength. I remember playing The Element of Freedom by Alicia Keys and crying through every song. I continuously gasped for breath to make sure I was able to breathe because it hurt so much. I remember going to social media accounts to express my pain. As I typed each word it felt like the same person who caused me pain was stepping on my heart repeatedly.
I remember how it felt when my family disowned me. I said over and over: I don’t want them at my graduation. I don’t want them at my wedding. I don’t want them at my baby shower. I don’t want them apart of any of my celebrations. I was determined to leave them in the past. I wanted to make sure they felt the pain they caused me. I wanted them to know I was okay without them. I would succeed without them. All I needed was my mother, father, grandmother, aunt and cousin. I didn’t need anyone else.
I can still feel the sting and racing of my heart as I remember the words I love you being said to me. It tears me apart thinking things will never be the same. All I can think about are the things I should’ve said or the things I should’ve done. I hate that I loved him unconditionally, but I’m glad that I did. I remember my heart being filled with hurt and love all in one sitting. It hurt so much because I didn’t expect it, but I loved him because he was honest with me.
After reading all of those memories above, I’m sure you were able to feel my heart jumping out of my chest. Through it all, I managed to remain calm and keep my sanity. In the year of 2012, I prayed for God to give me a clean and forgiving heart. I didn’t want to be angry and I didn’t want to show it to people. Throughout these trying years I managed to keep my head on my shoulders and kept pushing forward. Two things helped me throughout all of this: Daily Bible app and reminders.
Each morning my Daily Bible app notifies me of the verse for the day. I make sure I read these verses prior to leaving my apartment to give me strength to take on the day. During the most difficult times, I’ve been able to brush off my shoulders just by reading the verse of the day. One day in particular I woke up feeling defeated and was ready for the day to be over with before it even started.
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up
After reading this verse, my day turned around. I felt unstoppable and powerful. It may seem like a small gem, but to me these verses keep me going each day. Now sometimes the bible verses aren’t as encouraging as I would hope them to be.
When the verses seem to be a little off for the day, I can always count on the reminders on my phone. Every 4 hours, from 8:00 am to 8:00 pm, my reminders pop up on my screen. Instead of reminding myself that I need to go grocery shopping or book a flight, I remind myself that Greater is Coming. I started using my reminders in the spring of 2015. I was going through a rough period in my life and was running out of inspiration and encouragement. It’s hard talking yourself out of a negative space at times, so I made sure these alerts would pop up on my phone and catch me off guard.
With these two uplifting tools, I was able to strengthen my faith and remain in a positive space for the most part. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes there are good days and sometimes they are bad. Once I found tools that would keep me going, I made sure to take advantage of it. On the outside it may look like I have it together, but trust me I’m on this journey just like the rest of you.